haiku/data/etc/fortunes/One Liners

!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I  !pleH
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!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I  !pleH
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10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
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$3,000,000
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A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
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A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
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A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
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A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
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A child of five could understand this!  Fetch me a child of five.
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A closed mouth gathers no foot.
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A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
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A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
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A day without sunshine is like night.
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A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ...
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A fool must now and then be right by chance.
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
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A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
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A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
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A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
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A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
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A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
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A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
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A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
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A penny saved is ridiculous.
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A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
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A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
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"A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives."
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A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
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A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
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Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
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Absence makes the heart go wander.
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Acid -- better living through chemistry.
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Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
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Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
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After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
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Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
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Air is water with holes in it
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Alex Haley was adopted!
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All extremists should be taken out and shot.
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All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
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All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
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All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
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All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
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All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door.
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All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
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Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
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Always remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else.
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Am I ranting?  I hope so.  My ranting gets raves.
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"Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it."
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An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
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An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
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An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
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An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
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An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
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An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
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"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge."
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... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
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And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
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Ankh if you love Isis.
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Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
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Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
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Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
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Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
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Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
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Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
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Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
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Anything worth doing is worth overdoing
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"Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution"
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Are you a turtle?
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Are you a turtle?
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Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
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As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
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As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
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As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
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ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
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Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
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"At least they're EXPERIENCED incompetents"
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Avoid reality at all costs.
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Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
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Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.
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"BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'."
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BE ALERT!!!!  (The world needs more lerts ...)
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Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
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Be different: conform.
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Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.
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"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!"  <huff, huff>
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Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
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Best of all is never to have been born.  Second best is to die soon.
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Better dead than mellow.
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Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
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Beware of low-flying butterflies.
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Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic
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... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
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Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
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BLISS is ignorance
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Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
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Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
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BOO!  We changed Coke again!  BLEAH!  BLEAH! 
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Brain fried -- Core dumped
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Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise.
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"But I don't like Spam!!!!"
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Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
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CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
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Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
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Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
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Chicken Little only has to be right once.
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Chicken Little was right.
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Cleanliness is next to impossible.
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Cleveland still lives.  God *must* be dead.
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"Cleveland?  Yes, I spent a week there one day."
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Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
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COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
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Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
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Computer programmers do it byte by byte
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Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
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Condense soup, not books!
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Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
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Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
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Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
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Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
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Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
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"Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'".
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Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
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Death to all fanatics!
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"Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow."
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Did I say 2?  I lied.
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Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
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Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
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Disc space -- the final frontier!
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Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
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Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
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Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
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Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
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Do not drink coffee in early a.m.  It will keep you awake until noon.
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Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
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Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
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Do what comes naturally now.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
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Do you have lysdexia?
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Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
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Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
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Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
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Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
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Don't feed the bats tonight.
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Don't get even -- get odd!
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Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
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Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
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Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
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Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
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Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.
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Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
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Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
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Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive.
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Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
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Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
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Down with categorical imperative!
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"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
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Drink Canada Dry!  You might not succeed, but it *is* fun trying.
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Drive defensively.  Buy a tank.
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E Pluribus Unix
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Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
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/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
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Earth is a beta site.
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 Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
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"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work."
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Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
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Elevators smell different to midgets
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Entropy isn't what it used to be.
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Equal bytes for women.
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Error in operator: add beer
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Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
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Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
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Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
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"Every man has his price.  Mine is $3.95."
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Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
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Every solution breeds new problems.
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"Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it."
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Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
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Everyone talks about apathy, but no one *does* anything about it.
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Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
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Everything you know is wrong!
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Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike office water cooler.
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Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
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Excellent day to have a rotten day.
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Excellent time to become a missing person.
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Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
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Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
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Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
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Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
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f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
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f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
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Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
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Familiarity breeds attempt
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Famous last words:
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Fats Loves Madelyn
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Feel disillusioned?  I've got some great new illusions ...
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Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
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Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
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For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
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For a good time, call 555-9483
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"For an adequate time call 555-3321"
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For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
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For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
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For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
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Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
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fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
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Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
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Garbage In -- Gospel Out.
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"Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore."
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George Orwell was an optimist.
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Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
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Get Revenge!  Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
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Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
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Go 'way!  You're bothering me!
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Go climb a gravity well!
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//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
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God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
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God is a polythiest
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God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
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God is real, unless declared integer.
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God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
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God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
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God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
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God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
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Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
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Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
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Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.
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Good day to let down old friends who need help.
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Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
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Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
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Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
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Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
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Graduate life: It's not just a job.  It's an indenture.
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Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
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Great minds run in great circles.
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Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
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Half Moon tonight.  (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
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Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances?
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Have an adequate day.
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Have an adequate day.
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Have you reconsidered a computer career?
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"He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions"
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He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
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He who Laughs, Lasts.
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"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..."
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"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
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Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
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"Heisenberg may have slept here"
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Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
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Help fight continental drift.
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Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
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Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.
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Help!  I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
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Hindsight is an exact science.
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Hire the morally handicapped.
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"His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier."
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History repeats itself.  That's one thing wrong with history.
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"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense"
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Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
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Honk if you love peace and quiet.
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Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
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How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
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How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
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How come wrong numbers are never busy?
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"How do I love thee?  My accumulator overflows."
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How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
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How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
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Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
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Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
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I am more bored than you could ever possibly be.  Go back to work.
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"I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater."
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I brake for chezlogs!
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I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
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"I can resist anything but temptation."
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"I didn't know it was impossible when I did it."
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"I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes.  Just then, he vanished.
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I doubt, therefore I might be.
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"I found out why my car was humming.  It had forgotten the words."
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"I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense."
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"I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere."
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"I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it."
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I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
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I know it all.  I just can't remember it all at once.
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"I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours."
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"I like your game but we have to change the rules."
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I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts
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"I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like."
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I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
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"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person."
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I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
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"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
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"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
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"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
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"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
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"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
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"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
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"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
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"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
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"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
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I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
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I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
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"I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did."
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I'm rated PG-34!!
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I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
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I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
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"I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer."
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If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
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If anything can go wrong, it will.
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If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
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"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
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If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
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If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
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If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
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If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
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If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
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If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
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If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
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If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
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If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
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If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
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If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
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If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
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If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
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If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
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If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
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If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
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"If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely"
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"If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage."
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If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
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If you can read this, you're too close.
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If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
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If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
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If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
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If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
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If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
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If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
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"If you have to hate, hate gently"
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If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
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If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
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If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
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If you're happy, you're successful.
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If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
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If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
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In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
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In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
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"In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian."
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In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
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Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
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Individualists unite!
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Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.
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Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
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Is your job running?  You'd better go catch it!
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It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
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It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
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It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
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It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
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It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
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It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
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It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
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It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
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It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
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It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
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"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
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It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
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It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
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It's the thought, if any, that counts!
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Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
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Join the march to save individuality!
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Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
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Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
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Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
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Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
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"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack."
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Kiss me twice.  I'm schizophrenic.
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Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
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Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
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Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within.
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Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.
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Laetrile is the pits
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Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer.  Now I are won.
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Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
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Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
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Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
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Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
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Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
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Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
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"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
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Life is like a simile.
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Life is like an analogy
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Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
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Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
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Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *awful*.
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Look out!  Behind you!
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Loose bits sink chips.
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Lost interest?  It's so bad I've lost apathy.
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Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
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Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
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Love is sentimental measles.
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Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
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LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
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Lysistrata had a good idea.
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Make it myself?  But I'm a physical organic chemist!
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"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
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May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
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May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
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May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
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Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
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MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
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Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
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Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
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Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
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Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
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Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
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Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
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Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
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Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
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Money is the root of all wealth.
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Mother is the invention of necessity.
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Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
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My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
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"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies"
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Necessity is a mother.
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Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
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Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.
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Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
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Never commit yourself!  Let someone else commit you.
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Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
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Never hit a man with glasses.  Hit him with a baseball bat.
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Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
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Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
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Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
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Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
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"Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon."
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New crypt.  See /usr/news/crypt.
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New systems generate new problems.
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New York is real.  The rest is done with mirrors.
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Newton's Fourth Law:  Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
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Nihilism should commence with oneself.
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No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
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"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid."
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No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
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No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
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NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
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Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
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Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
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Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
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"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."
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Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
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Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
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Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
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Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
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(null cookie; hope that's ok)
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Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
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Oh Dad!  We're ALL Devo!
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Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
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Oh, wow!  Look at the moon!
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OK, so you're a Ph.D.  Just don't touch anything.
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Old programmers never die.  They just branch to a new address.
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Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.
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One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
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One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
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One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
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"One planet is all you get."
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One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
%
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
%
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
%
Only God can make random selections.
%
Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
%
Optimization hinders evolution.
%
Optimization hinders evolution.
%
Overdrawn?  But I still have checks left!
%
Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
%
Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
%
panic: can't find /
%
panic: kernel trap (ignored)
%
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
%
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
%
Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
%
Pardon this fortune.  Database under reconstruction.
%
Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
%
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
%
People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.
%
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
%
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
%
Personifiers Unite!  You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
%
Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
%
Pick another fortune cookie.
%
Please ignore previous fortune.
%
Please take note:
%
Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
%
Polymer physicists are into chains.
%
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
%
Power corrupts.  And atomic power corrupts atomically.
%
Predestination was doomed from the start.
%
Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
%
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
%
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen.
%
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.
%
Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
%
Put no trust in cryptic comments.
%
Quick!!  Act as if nothing has happened!
%
Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
%
"Qvid me anxivs svm?"
%
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
%
Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
%
Real Users hate Real Programmers.
%
Real Users know your home telephone number.
%
Real Users never use the Help key.
%
Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
%
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
%
Reality is for people who lack imagination.
%
Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
%
"Really ??  What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
%
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
%
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
%
Sauron is alive in Argentina!
%
Save energy: be apathetic.
%
Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
%
Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.
%
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
%
Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
%
Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.
%
Security check: **INTRUDER ALERT!**
%
"See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist.  I mean, kind of ... in a way ..."
%
Serenity through viciousness.
%
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
%
She's genuinely bogus.
%
Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.
%
Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
%
Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
%
Some people live life in the fast lane.  You're in oncoming traffic.
%
Someone will try to honk your nose today.
%
Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
%
Sorry, no fortune this time.
%
Sorry.  I forget what I was going to say.
%
Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
%
"Speed is subsittute fo accurancy."
%
Spelling is a lossed art.
%
Spend extra time on hobby.  Get plenty of rolling papers.
%
Stay away from flying saucers today.
%
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
%
"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."
%
Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.
%
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
%
Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.
%
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
%
Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
%
Support your local police force -- steal!!
%
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
%
Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
%
Surprise due today.  Also the rent.
%
Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
%
Take everything in stride.  Trample anyone who gets in your way.
%
Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
%
Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
%
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
%
Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
%
"That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all."
%
That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
%
The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
%
The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m.
%
The best defense against logic is ignorance.
%
The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
%
The bigger the theory the better.
%
"The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch."
%
The bogosity meter just pegged.
%
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
%
"The Computer made me do it."
%
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
%
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
%
The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
%
The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
%
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
%
The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.
%
The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
%
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.
%
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
%
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
%
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
%
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
%
The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
%
... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
%
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
%
The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
%
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
%
The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
%
The revolution will not be televised.
%
"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
%
The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
%
"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!"
%
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
%
The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
%
The sum of the Universe is zero.
%
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
%
The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
%
The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
%
The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!
%
The world is coming to an end.  Please log off.
%
There *is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
%
There are no games on this system.
%
There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
%
There is no such thing as fortune.  Try again.
%
There is no time like the pleasant.
%
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
%
There's no future in time travel
%
There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
%
They also surf who only stand on waves.
%
"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"
%
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
%
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
%
Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
%
Think big.  Pollute the Mississippi.
%
Think honk if you're a telepath.
%
Think of it!  With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
%
Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
%
This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
%
This fortune intentionally not included.
%
This fortune is false.
%
This fortune is inoperative.  Please try another.
%
This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
%
This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
%
This is the *LAST* time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
%
This is your fortune.
%
This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
%
Those who can't write, write manuals.
%
Those who can, do.  Those who can't, simulate.
%
Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
%
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
%
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
%
To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
%
"To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System"
%
To err is human, to moo bovine.
%
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
%
To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
%
"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?"
%
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
%
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
%
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess
%
Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
%
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
%
Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
%
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
%
Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
%
Truth will be out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)
%
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
%
Trying to establish voice contact ... please *yell* into keyboard.
%
Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
%
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
%
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
%
unix soit qui mal y pense
%
Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
%
Veni, Vidi, Visa.
%
Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
%
"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
%
Virtue is its own punishment.
%
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
%
VMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M.
%
Vote anarchist
%
VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
%
Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
%
War is peace.  Freedom is slavery.  Ketchup is a vegetable.
%
Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
%
Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
%
Wasting time is an important part of living.
%
We can defeat gravity.  The problem is the paperwork involved.
%
We can predict everything, except the future.
%
"We don't care.  We don't have to.  We're the Phone Company."
%
"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later."
%
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
%
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
%
What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
%
What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
%
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
%
What I tell you three times is true.
%
What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
%
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
%
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
%
What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
%
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
%
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
%
What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
%
What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
%
What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
%
What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon.
%
What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
%
Whatever became of eternal truth?
%
When all other means of communication fail, try words.
%
When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
%
"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
%
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
%
When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
%
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
%
Which is worse: ignorance or apathy?  Who knows?  Who cares?
%
While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
%
Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
%
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
%
Who's on first?
%
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
%
Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
%
Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
%
Why do we have two eyes?  To watch 3-D movies with.
%
Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?
%
Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
%
Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
%
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
%
"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."
%
Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
%
Yes, but which self do you want to be?
%
You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
%
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
%
You are the only person to ever get this message.
%
You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
%
You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
%
You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
%
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
%
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
%
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
%
"You can't make a program without broken egos."
%
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
%
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
%
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
%
You do not have mail.
%
You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
%
You have junk mail.
%
You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
%
You look like a million dollars.  All green and wrinkled.
%
You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
%
You might have mail
%
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
%
You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
%
You too can wear a nose mitten.
%
You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
%
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
%
You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
%
You will feel hungry again in another hour.
%
You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
%
"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
%
You're at the end of the road again.
%
You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
%
You're not my type.  For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
%
You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
%
Your fault: core dumped
%
Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
%
Your lucky color has faded.
%
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
%
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.
%
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
%
YOW!!  Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!"
%