haiku/data/etc/fortunes/Humorists

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
		-- Groucho Marx
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A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and...  ooohh, that's much better.
		-- Steven Wright
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A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies. Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and quiet place in which to rest.  One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said, "Come on down."  But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house." So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other flies.  He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said, "Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper.  All those flies are trapped."  "Don't be silly," said the fly, "they're dancing."  So he settled down and became stuck to the flypaper with all the other flies.

Moral:  There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
		-- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly"
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A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me.  I'm afraid of widths.
		-- Steven Wright
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	A MODERN FABLE

Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory far too subtle for the youth of today.  Children need an updated message with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit today's minute attention span.

	The Troubled Aardvark

Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house in his brand new 4x4.  He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled children.  One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any personal effort he could make to change the status quo.  Overcome by a wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.

MORAL OF THE STORY:  Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.
		-- Tom Annau
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A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.
		-- Walt Kelly
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"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"
		-- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
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		Accidents cause History.

If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
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All men are mortal.  Socrates was mortal.  Therefore, all men are Socrates.
		-- Woody Allen
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All of the people in my building are insane.  The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.  The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun...  She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
		-- Steven Wright
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And now for something completely different.
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And now for something completely the same.
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"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
No, Ma'am.  Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
		-- Monty Python
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As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
		-- Woody Allen
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Being Ymor's right-hand man was like being gently flogged to death with scented bootlaces.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"
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Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and none of his friends like him either.
		-- Oscar Wilde
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"Boy, life takes a long time to live."
		-- Steven Wright
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Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others.  Bozos are people who band together for fun and profit.  They have no jobs.  Anybody who goes on a tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street?  Because there's a Bozo on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others. They're the huge, fat, middle waist.  The archetype is an Irish drunk clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin.  Fields, William Bendix. Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness.  It has Oz in it.  They mean well.  They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes.  They like their comforts.  The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time, which is all the time.
		-- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head"
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But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness. I meant no harm;  I just liked the explosions.  And I was careful never to kill more than I could eat.
		-- Raoul Duke
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"But I don't like Spam!!!!"
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"But I don't want to go on the cart..."
"Oh, don't be such a baby!"
"But I'm feeling much better..."
"No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"
		-- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
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Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
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Death didn't answer.  He was looking at Spold in the same way as a dog looks at a bone, only in this case things were more or less the other way around.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"
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Decorate your home.  It gives the illusion that your life is more interesting than it really is.
		-- C. Schulz
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Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
		-- Steven Wright
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Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.
		-- Walt Kelly
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Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.  It's already tomorrow in Australia.
		-- Charles Schulz
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Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
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Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
		-- Woody Allen
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Eternity is a terrible thought.  I mean, where's it going to end?
		-- Tom Stoppard
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Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, exactly, make people laugh.  That's why they were called "wise men." All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: Would you please take my wife?  No.  How about: Here is my wife, please take her right now.  No How about: Would you like to take something? My wife is available.  No.  How about ..."
		-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
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Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea ...
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
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Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!
		-- Bill Cosby
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First, a few words about tools.

Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously injure yourself.  Today, people tend to take tools for granted.  If you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for granted.  If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...  I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
		-- Steven Wright
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From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter.  Some day I intend reading it.
		-- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
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God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
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He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.
		-- Steven Wright
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"Here's something to think about:  How come you never see a headline like `Psychic Wins Lottery'?"
		-- Jay Leno
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Hey, what do you expect from a culture that drives on parkways and parks on driveways?
		-- Gallagher
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High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven:

Bro. Maynard:	And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high 	saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it smash our enemies to tiny bits."  And the Lord did grin, and the 	people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and lima bean-

High Priest:	Skip a bit, brother.

Bro. Maynard:	And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take out the holy pin.  Then shalt thou count to three.  No more, no less. Three shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the counting shall be three.  Fou* shalt thou not count, and neither count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three.  Five is RIGHT OUT.  Once the number three, being the third number be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.  Amen.

All:	Amen.
		-- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade"
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"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
		-- William Gilbert
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Humorists always sit at the children's table.
		-- Woody Allen
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I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
		-- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
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I am getting into abstract painting.  Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas, I just think about it.  I just went to an art museum where all of the art was done by children.  All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.
		-- Steven Wright
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I am two with nature.
		-- Woody Allen
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I argue very well.  Ask any of my remaining friends.  I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent.  People know this, and steer clear of me at parties.  Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
		-- Dave Barry
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"I assure you the thought never even crossed my mind, lord."
"Indeed?  Then if I were you I'd sue my face for slander."
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"
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I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
		-- Gilda Radner
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I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
		-- Steven Wright
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I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.

What a crock.  I could easily overemphasize the importance of good grammar.  For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II."
		-- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
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"I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still ..."
		-- Steven Wright
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I could dance with you till the cows come home.  On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home.
		-- Groucho Marx
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I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
		-- Jack Benny
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I don't get no respect.
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I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds.  I hold them above globes.  They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."
		-- Bruce Baum
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I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.
		-- Woody Allen
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I finally went to the eye doctor.  I got contacts.  I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups.
		-- Steven Wright
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"I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?'  He said, 'Phoenix.'  So I pushed Phoenix.  A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix.  I looked at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with.'  We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang.  He said 'You get it.'  I picked it up and said 'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...' The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank... It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we would just like to know what happened to the money?'  I said, 'Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight.  I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it if you never called me again."
		-- Steven Wright
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I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.  Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...  and says, "Here, you can go."
		-- Steven Wright
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I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
		-- Steven Wright
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I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie theater, so I bought the album.
		-- Steven Wright
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 I got kicked out of a theater the other day for bringing my own food in.  I argued that the concession stand prices were outrageous.  Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a long time.
		-- Steven Wright
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I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children $2.50.  I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl.
		-- Steven Wright
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I once took a cab to a drive-in movie.  The movie cost me $95.
		-- Steven Wright
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I had no shoes and I pitied myself.  Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.
		-- Dave Barry
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I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means it's going to be up all night.
		-- Steven Wright
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I have a box of telephone rings under my bed.  Whenever I get lonely, I open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call.  One day I dropped the box all over the floor.  The phone wouldn't stop ringing.  I had to get it disconnected.  So I got a new phone.  I didn't have much money, so I had to get an irregular.  It doesn't have a five.  I ran into a friend of mine on the street the other day.  He said why don't you give me a call.  I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone doesn't have a five.  He asked how long had it been that way.  I said I didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens.
		-- Steven Wright
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I have a dog; I named him Stay.  So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here, Stay, here..." but he got wise to that.  Now when I call him he ignores me and just keeps on typing.
		-- Steven Wright
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I have a friend whose a billionaire.  He invented Cliff's notes.  When I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I... I just... to make a long story short..."
		-- Steven Wright
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I have a hobby.  I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.  I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.  Maybe you've seen some of it.
		-- Steven Wright
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I have a map of the United States.  It's actual size.  I spent last summer folding it.  People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
		-- Steven Wright
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I have a rock garden.  Last week three of them died.
		-- Richard Diran
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I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything.  Every once in a while I turn it on and off.  On and off.  On and off.  One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"
		-- Steven Wright
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I have an existential map.  It has "You are here" written all over it.
		-- Steven Wright
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I just got out of the hospital after a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
		-- Steven Wright
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I know the answer!  The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve?  I think I'm in the wrong building.
		-- Charles Schulz
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I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.  I may not get there, but I'm going first class.
		-- Art Buchwald
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"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour!  This is what entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils."
		-- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
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I met my latest girl friend in a department store.  She was looking at clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.
		-- Steven Wright
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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
		-- Groucho Marx
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I poured spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.
		-- Steven Wright
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I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures of cats on them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
		-- Steven Wright
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I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
		-- Steven Wright
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"I said I hope it is a good party," said Galder, loudly.
"AT THE MOMENT IT IS," said Death levelly.  "I THINK IT MIGHT GO DOWNHILL VERY QUICKLY AT MIDNIGHT."
"Why?"
"THAT'S WHEN THEY THINK I'LL BE TAKING MY MASK OFF."
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
		-- Steven Wright
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I should have been a country-western singer.  After all, I'm older than most western countries.
		-- George Burns
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I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it.
		-- Woody Allen
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I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full house and four people died.
		-- Steven Wright
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I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do too much damage if it catches fire or explodes.  First you decide which direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy.  After much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot tub to face is up.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
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I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me.  Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
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Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table.  I said, "Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks."
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
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I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
		-- Firesign Theatre
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I thought there was something fishy about the butler.  Probably a Pisces, working for scale.
		-- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
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I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
		-- Woody Allen
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I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said "I don't understand it.  I was supposed to be 80 degrees today," and I said "Oops."
		-- Steven Wright
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In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
		-- Steven Wright
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I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.
		-- Steven Wright
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I used to live in a house by the freeway.  When I went anywhere, I had to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway.
		-- Steven Wright
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I was pulled over for speeding today.  The officer said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?"  And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long."
		-- Steven Wright
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I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out.  Now my car goes 500 miles an hour.
		-- Steven Wright
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I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
		-- Steven Wright
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I was at this restaurant.  The sign said "Breakfast Anytime."  So I ordered French Toast in the Rennaissance.
		-- Steven Wright
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I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live around here often?"  She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself?  I feel like that all the time..."
		-- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly"
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I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number.
		-- Steven Wright
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I was the best I ever had.
		-- Woody Allen
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"I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything specific".
		-- Steven Wright
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"I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any questions. I said, "Yes, just one. If you're in a car traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work for him then.
		-- Steven Wright
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"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."
		-- Steven Wright
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I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica.  I told my roommate, "Isn't this amazing?  Everything in the apartment has been stolen and
replaced with an exact replica."  He said, "Do I know you?"
		-- Steven Wright
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I worked in a health food store once.  A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
		-- Steven Wright
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I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.
		-- Groucho Marx
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I'd like to be buried Indian-style -- where they put you up on a high rack above the ground.  That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
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I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.
		-- Groucho Marx
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I'll be comfortable on the couch.  Famous last words.
		-- Lenny Bruce
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I'm going to Boston to see my doctor.  He's a very sick man.
		-- Fred Allen
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I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
		-- Woody Allen
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I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
		-- Spider Robinson
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I'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens.
		-- Woody Allen
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I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it.
		-- Groucho Marx
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If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. 
		-- Dave Barry
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If only Dionysus were alive!  Where would he eat?
		-- Woody Allen
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If only God would give me some clear sign!  Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
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If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
		-- George Burns
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If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call you to say they had a nice time.  Now you'll be be expected to throw another party next year.
	What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been indicted for anything.  You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one ...
	If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas through your living room window.  As host, your job is to make sure that
they don't arrest anybody.  Or if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you...
		-- Dave Barry
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If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
		-- Woody Allen
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If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe?
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
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In like a dimwit, out like a light.
		-- Pogo
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Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
		-- Steven Wright
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It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem.  For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time.  But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.

Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were misinterpreted ...
		-- Douglas Admas "The Hitchhikers' Guide To The Galaxy"
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It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
		-- Woody Allen
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It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
		-- Groucho Marx
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It looked like something resembling white marble, which was probably what it was: something resembling white marble.
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
		-- Steven Wright
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It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.
		-- Groucho Marx
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It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
		-- Woody Allen
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Last night the power went out.  Good thing my camera had a flash.... The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
		-- Steven Wright
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Last year we drove across the country.  We switched on the driving every half mile.  We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip. I don't remember what it was.
		-- Steven Wright
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Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
		-- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
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Life is wasted on the living.
		-- The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe.
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Like you,  I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's place in the Scheme of Things.  Here are just a few:

	Q -- Is there life after death?
	A -- Definitely.  I speak from personal experience here.  On New Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian", then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful headache.  Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead.  I guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods.
		-- Dave Barry
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Man 1:	Ask me the what the most important thing in telling a good joke is.

Man 2:	OK, what is the most impo --

Man 1:	TIMING!
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	"Many have seen Topaxci, god of the Red Mushroom, and they earn the name of shaman," he said.  Some have seen Skelde, spirit of the smoke, and they are called sorcerers.  A few have been privileged to see Umcherrel, the soul of the forest, and they are known as spirit masters,  but none have seen a box with hundreds of legs that looked at them without eyes, and they are known as idio--"
	The interruption was caused by a sudden screaming noise and a flurry of snow and sparks that blew the fire across the dark hut; there was a brief blurred vision and then the opposite wall was blasted aside and the apparition vanished.
	There was a long silence.  Then a slightly shorter silence.  Then the old shaman said carefully, "You didn't just see two men go through upside down on a broomstick, shouting and screaming at each other, did you?"
	The boy looked at him levelly.  "Certainly not," he said.
	The old man heaved a sigh of relief.  "Thank goodness for that," he said.  "Neither did I."
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
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Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....
		-- Walt Kelly
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My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".
		-- Steven Wright
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My friend has a baby.  I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
		-- Steven Wright
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Nirvana?  That's the place where the powers that be and their friends hang out.
		-- Zonker Harris
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NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
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Now is the time for all good men to come to.
		-- Walt Kelly
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	Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something to be avoided than harped upon.
	Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something about helping to postpone this reunion.
		-- Douglas Adams
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One doesn't have a sense of humor.  It has you.
		-- Larry Gelbart
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Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.  Inside a dog it's too dark to read.
		-- Groucho Marx
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Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
		-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
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"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
		-- Steven Wright
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Rincewind formed a mental picture of some strange entity living in a castle made of teeth.  It was the kind of mental picture you tried to forget. Unsuccessfully.
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
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Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
		-- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With Pogo"
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Showing up is 80% of life.
		-- Woody Allen
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Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on "The Waltons". Well, you can forget it.  If everybody pulled that kind of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight.  The government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming thousands.  So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with the Holiday Program.  This means you should get a large sum of money and go to a mall.
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
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Sometimes the beauty of the world is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle.  Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears me because I am beautiful.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
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Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.
		-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
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The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in.  Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO RULES.  You're allowed to do anything.  You can drive as fast as you want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was neither.  This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking lots.
		-- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
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The best cure for insomnia is to get a  lot of sleep.
		-- W. C. Fields
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The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.
		-- Will Rogers
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The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
		-- Art Buchwald
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The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
		-- Benjamin Franklin.
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	The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on the subject of towels.
	Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value.  For some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc.  Furthermore, the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or a dozen other items that he may have "lost".  After all, any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds, win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be reckoned with.
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
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The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
		-- Steven Wright
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"The pyramid is opening!"
"Which one?"
"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"
		-- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
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		The Three Major Kind of Tools

1) Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a manner that they function perfectly.  (These are your hammers, maces, bludgeons, and truncheons.)

2) Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot.  (Awls)

3) Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far greater than the value of any project that could possibly result. (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
		-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
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There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
		-- Walt Kelly
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There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.
		-- Lily Tomlin
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Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.
		-- Will Rogers
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This land is full of trousers!
this land is full of mausers!
And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
		-- Firesign Theater
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Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
		-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
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Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.
		-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
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Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
		-- Walt Kelly
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We have met the enemy, and he is us.
		-- Walt Kelly
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We is confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
		-- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
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What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?  In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
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What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?  Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
		-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
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"What shall we do?" said Twoflower.
	"Panic?" said Rincewind hopefully.  He always held that panic was the best means of survival; back in the olden days, his theory went, people faced with hungry sabretoothed tigers could be divided very simply into those who panicked and those who stood there saying "What a magnificent brute!" and "Here, pussy."
		-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
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What's another word for "thesaurus"?
		-- Steven Wright
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When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"
		-- Steven Wright
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When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
		-- Steven Wright
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Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
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Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?
		-- Steven Wright
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Will Rogers never met you.
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Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
		-- Steven Wright
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Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
		-- George Carlin
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You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?
		-- Steven Wright
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	"You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young!"
"Why, what did she tell you?"
"I don't know, I didn't listen."
		-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
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You may already be a loser.
		-- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield.
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You'd better beat it.  You can leave in a taxi.  If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff.  If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.
		-- Groucho Marx
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You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.
		-- Jim Samuels to a heckler

Ah, yes.  I remember my first beer.
		-- Steve Martin to a heckler

When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
		-- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler