141 lines
6.4 KiB
Plaintext
141 lines
6.4 KiB
Plaintext
|
3M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively tacky" meant until I read today's fortune.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
[And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.]
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
(1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
|
||
|
|
(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
|
||
|
|
(3) I don't know.
|
||
|
|
(4) Who cares?
|
||
|
|
(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
|
||
|
|
(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of Papyrus Books).
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, it is as
|
||
|
|
difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to invent.
|
||
|
|
-- R. Emerson
|
||
|
|
-- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
|
||
|
|
(whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
|
||
|
|
[to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
|
||
|
|
misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.]
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Chocolate chip.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
DELETE A FORTUNE!
|
||
|
|
Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?!
|
||
|
|
Wouldn't you like to see some of them deleted from the system?
|
||
|
|
You can! Just mail to `fortune' with the fortune you hate most, and we'll make sure it gets expunged.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
|
||
|
|
Violators will be prosecuted.
|
||
|
|
(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Fortune's current rates:
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Answers .10
|
||
|
|
Long answers .25
|
||
|
|
Answers requiring thought .50
|
||
|
|
Correct answers $1.00
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Dumb looks are still free.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Generic Fortune.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Ginger snap.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Has anyone realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
|
||
|
|
Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or only serves to blunt the warning signs.
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
Long live the revolution!
|
||
|
|
Have a nice day.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says, but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what it means.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Ignore previous fortune.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
(null cookie; hope that's ok)
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Oatmeal raisin.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Oreo.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Pick another fortune cookie.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Please ignore previous fortune.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space, cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Sorry, no fortune this time.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
There is no such thing as fortune. Try again.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
This Fortune Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
This fortune intentionally left blank.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
This fortune intentionally not included.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
This fortune intentionally says nothing.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready!
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
This fortune is false.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
|
||
|
|
|
||
|
|
If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your contribution of a pithy fortunes, clean or obscene? We cannot continue without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to "fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
This is your fortune.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Vanilla wafer.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
WARNING:
|
||
|
|
Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement...
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
|
||
|
|
%
|
||
|
|
You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
|
||
|
|
%
|